Monday, December 14, 2009


I often wonder what my kids will remember from their childhood. I have no idea how the brain works....what memories leave an impact and get stored and which ones are forgotten. Will they remember the picnic we had on a blanket in our living room; the first crisp bite of apple, the smooth feel of the quilt under their legs? Or will they remember being put in time out for spitting? Will they remember painting glitter glue on felt; squeezing the little plastic bottles and watching glue squirt out, the feel of glitter stuck to their fingers? Or will they remember when I yelled at them for getting poop on the carpet? Will they remember all of us snuggling in bed and reading stories together; the way the gray light shone through the window, always reading just one more? Or will they remember the day I told them we would go to the park and then didn't take them?

I don't have very many memories of my own childhood before the age of 4. I don't know if that is normal, or if I just blocked them out because my early childhood sucked! Fifteen year old mother, homes for the unwed, on the run, different boyfriends, no family, foster care and finally adoption. The memories I do have are fragmented. Strange. Nonsensical. Confusing. And I don't have anyone to answer my explain to me why I remember being in the back of a car and the car hitting a fox and someone putting the fox in our trunk and us taking it home and putting it in the closet. Why do I remember this? What does it mean? I don't have any good memories of my very early childhood, but I don't have any bad ones either. Is that my brain's way of protecting me? I don't know.

I don't know what Maddie and Charlotte will remember of these early days. I don't know if they will have any memories! I hope that even if nothing specific sticks, they will remember that they were loved. Unconditionally. Wholeheartedly. Completely. Loved. I hope that they remember the good times, the fun things we did as a family, the adventures. I also hope that they remember the hard times, the frustration, the discipline and know that it was all out of love. We have done the best that we know how and it's all out of love. I pray everyday that Dan and I are making the right choices, being good parents and giving our children exactly what they need. Only time will tell!

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