Finding Joy

It's been a really really long time since I've posted on this blog. Most of the blame can go to blogger for not allowing me to upload pictures which pissed me off enough to stop posting, but I also just got tired of making duplicate posts (here and on myspace) I’m currently contemplating deleting my myspace account but until I make that decision I am going to start blogging here again and not blog there. Confusing?? Maybe.

It probably went without notice, but I also changed the title of this blog. Although I do feel as though I am living life on the edge.....of something....my current goal is to try and find joy in every day. Hard to imagine me having to try and find joy right? I have a fantastic husband, two beautiful girls that I get to stay home and raise, a nice little house, enough food to make me fat and happy etc. but I've been dealing with a little (lot?) post partum depression. I see all the wonderful things around me, but there are days that I feel worthless, like I'm not a good enough mother or wife. I feel like I am letting everyone around me down, and I feel alone and isolated. My mantra for most days is FIND JOY. I decided that instead of omitting these bad feelings from my blogging and pretending like everything is perfect (for everyone else and for myself) that I am going to talk about it. I'm tired of keeping these feelings to myself. Maybe sharing them will help others, maybe sharing them will help me, maybe sharing them will help others help me. Confusing? Probably.

Depression is a funny thing.....I know the negative feelings that I have about myself aren't true.....they just aren't, but that logic doesn't stop me from feeling them. I can make Maddie pancakes in the morning, play with playdough, read books, push her on the swing, finger-paint and cuddle with her and still feel like I am letting her down, like she deserves a better mother than me. I'm having a really hard time juggling two kids, it seems that no matter what I do, I'm letting one or both of them down because I can't give either of them my undivided attention......and don't get me started on the state of my house, or shall I call it clutter hell. There never seems to be enough time to get it picked up, and when it is clean, within minutes my 2 year old cyclone can destroy everything. I feel like I'm failing a being a homemaker because I can hardly get the laundry done let alone folded and most nights I can't even start dinner until after Dan gets home to help me watch the kids first. And my job as a wife? Well after Dan gets home from work, there is a mad dash to get the baby down, get dinner made and then eaten, give Maddie a bath and jammies and story time and then bed, dishes, pick up the house a little, maybe a shower for me if I haven't had one in a while, and then Dan starts his homework/studying. Some days it feels like we haven't really even talked.

I feel like I've lost myself. In 4 years I've moved across the country and left everyone I know and love, gotten married and had two kids. I live in the country (small farm town) which I hate and I haven't really made any friends. I know how to do my jobs (wife, mother, homemaker) but I often don't have the time to get them all done so I have to choose what is most important and live with only doing that.....which generally is the mother job......you know, the squeaky wheel and what not. But with all of these new roles that I've taken on I feel like I've become invisible, not because anyone else has made me feel that way, that’s just how things have turned out. I don't have time for myself, and somehow while ignoring my own needs I've gotten lost. Motherhood is pretty instinctual, but I need to figure out how to better accomplish my jobs as wife, and homemaker and I need to learn how to balance everything and still be me. I need to FIND JOY and get a hobby.....and maybe some friends.....which both require time, so really I need to FIND TIME!!!! lol

I keep looking forward to the future, which I guess is a good thing.....I haven't given up yet. Charlotte has been a really difficult baby pretty much since she was born. Things seem to be settling down a bit since I removed yogurt from my diet and honestly, she can't get any worse than she's been so it has to get better right? RIGHT???? I keep hoping that every week that goes by will bring us to a happier place. Maybe I should quit hoping and just live with what I've got, but I honestly find that it's the hope that keeps me going. Maddie is just Maddie.....an independent, inquisitive 2 year old that gets bored really easily and gets into trouble when we're housebound with a miserable Charlotte. I can't blame her for being bored and destructive, up until recently our lives revolved around Charlotte and her needs which meant that Maddie would have to learn to be patient and come second. This last week things have been a lot better. We got out of the house as a family and went to a really cool park in Raleigh that had a merry-go-round and a train and many playgrounds.....Maddie LOVED it. Since the baby has been better behaved, I've been taking them to the park in the afternoons. Dan has afforded me time out of the house alone to shop, and paint pottery and I've joined a gym......I haven't gone yet, but hey, joining is a start right? And I'm seeing a therapist. Gasp. I know, I'm seeing a professional to better my mental health....OMG. There is such a stigma with depression.....hopefully no one who reads my blog is going to be judgmental, but who knows. I'm trying to get out of this funk, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes....even see a shrink, even admit to the world through my blog that I am having problems.

I do love my life. I love my husband and I love my girls. I just need to figure out how to live my life. I need to FIND JOY.....will you join me on my journey?