tired of being

Sometimes I just get really tired of being. I can fill in the blank with a number of things.....I am tired of being tired, I am tired of staying at home, I am tired of living out in the country, I'm tired of tripping on things in my messy house. Sometimes I wish that I could just take off on my own and travel to a secluded beach with white sand and turquoise water and just lay there in silence with the sun baking me. Sometimes I wish that I could turn back the clock and be 6 again, running through the sprinklers in my parent's front yard....before I knew what it was like to have a job, or a car, or bills or responsibility.....when life was simple. When did life become so complicated? I guess that's just part of being an adult, being a parent. Some days I feel so overwhelmed with being a mother that I just wish that I wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls, LOVE them....so much I often feel like my heart is going to burst because it is so swollen with love, but sometimes I wish I had my freedom. I wish I could sit and read a book uninterrupted all day long, I wish I could shower whenever I felt like it, and hop in the car without my arms full of limbs and baby gear. I get so tired of living the same day over and over and over again. Some days I feel like if I have to give one more bath, or make one more meal, or wipe one more nose, or battle through one more naptime I will explode and little pieces of me will scatter all over Eastern North Carolina. I know this is totally selfish of me and some people are gasping at my confession, but thats the truth....at least on some days. Kids are so all consuming and being a mom is not a part time job, I don't get to clock out after my 8 hours are done, although sometimes I wish that I could.

Today is not one of those days, today I actually feel pretty good. Charlotte slept for 12 hours straight last night with the exception of having to put the paci in once and I got a pretty good nights sleep too. Naps today are another story, but no one has really gotten hurt yet, and there have been no tantrums and no random reasonless crying. Yesterday Dan took a half day and we went to a nearby state forest and went out to dinner which was a nice surprise and change of pace and tomorrow and Tuesday are his days off!! My house is however a disaster and I keep tripping and stubbing my baby toe on random junk all over the floor. Oh, and I have a ridiculously huge amount of laundry to do and have no desire what-so-ever to do it. We are going to visit the park this afternoon and then it will be dinner time and bath time and bedtime and then I will have about 2 hours to myself and then it will be my bedtime and then tomorrow we get to do it all over again! I do realize that the older they get the easier they get and the more you can do with them which breaks up the monotony, but then they start talking back and having an attitude and disliking their parents so it's a toss up really. Oh well. Back to the grindstone.....enjoy the rest of your weekend.

P.S. I apologize for the randomness and all over the place-ness of my blogs, but this is kinda how its going to be for a while anyway. I have a lot floating around in my head and it doesn't always come out of my fingertips in any kind of sensical way. But it does help to get it out, I always feel better after I've blogged.....so please bare with me. roar. (bare, bear, roar.....get it? I know....lame.) lol