Its not enough

I've been trying really hard all morning to swallow my tears. Actually it started yesterday evening and made it difficult for me to fall asleep last night. I knew when I moved 3,000 miles away from my family that life would be different, that our relationships would be different and thus far I've been mostly okay with that. For whatever reason having my parents here for this trip as opposed to the handful of other trips has really made me realize what I'm missing, what my girls are missing, and what they are going to grow up without. I am so very sad. Growing up I was never more than a 20 minute car ride from 95% of my family, we don't have that luxury here.

Over the last couple of days I've watched my parents interact with Maddie and Charlotte and I've witnessed my girls fall in love with their grandma and Papa. I see the relationship that is building between Maddie and my mom, the trust that Maddie has for her and I feel so blessed that I have such a special mother, that Maddie has such an incredible Grandma who has so much love to give. But 4 days just isn't enough. Two weeks isn't enough. I want to be part of my family again, birthday dinners, camping trips, barbequing, large family get togethers, hugs and laughter. But I can't do that from 3,000 miles away and its not possible to move.

More than wanting these things for myself, I want them for my girls. I want them to be able to see their Grandma and Papa frequently, I hate that there are months and months in between visits, I hated that when Maddie got up this morning I had to explain to her that they had left and weren't going to be here for a while. I hate that I always feel like we have to cram in months worth of catching up into every visit. It felt so natural having them involved in our day to day life, having them here and doing normal things like cooking, or going to Wal Mart. I'm sure that in a couple of days this melancholy that I'm feeling will go away and life will resume as normal. But I needed to get these words out, needed to have this moment where tears are blurring my vision of what I am typing, and my heart feels like it is going to break. I need to remember what this feels like, because it is real and raw and somewhere underneath the sadness it is most certainly love.

If anyone has a house in California that they would like to give to us, or sell us for well below the actual cost we would gladly accept it! Have your people contact my people! lol

Grandma and Maddie playing catch with the Nemo fish