It is really hard to wrap my head around the fact that in less than a month my Maddie will be four! Wasn't she just a little baby not that long ago? I feel like 4 is a really significant age because it definitely puts her out of toddlerhood and into childhood. Not that she resembles a toddler in any form.....the child is huge and has been mistaken as a 5 year old since she turned 3. This birthday is also significant in a very personal way for me. At the age of four I was adopted by my parents. This age signifies the end of foster homes and the beginning of stability in my life, and it also was the end of any relationship I had with my biological mother. I don't remember much from that time, maybe that's normal for kiddos, or maybe I never wanted to remember that part of my life. I do remember being taken to Knotts Berry Farm after my adoption was finalized and I remember having new siblings and being loved.
I feel as though this birthday for my first born is monumental in some way.....I feel like shouting from the rooftops "My baby is four and I love her and she's mine and I'm never, ever giving her away!" I know it's irrational but I feel a sense of accomplishment in some weird way that I'm about to pass a huge step in my biological mothers' life and that I've done better than her. I felt this way too when I passed the ripe old age of 15 and wasn't giving birth to a child. I don't know if this post makes any sense at all but these feelings have been jumbled up inside me for a while now thinking about Maddie's 4th birthday. I feel like I really want to get her something significant for her birthday to show her how much I love her, to show her that my love for her is constant and my presence in her life is unending, (well, you know....until it ends, but that's a loooong time off) but she has no idea what the emotional implications of this age mean to me, she has no idea that there is anything other than her mama being there for her every day, she has no idea that some parents give their children away. I want to give her diamonds and gold and frankincense and fireworks and unending joy! But since I can't afford any of those things (well maybe I can afford frankincense) a scooter and some littlest pet shop toys will have to suffice. Oh, and my love and commitment and my trying my best to give her unending joy.
My baby is going to be four! *Sigh*