Seriously?!?!?!

I took the girls to the park this afternoon. We played for while and around 5:30 it was time to go. I got Maddie into the car and gave her some water. I turned on a video because I needed to nurse Charlotte and needed Maddie to not freak out just sitting in the car. I am pretty modest when it comes to nursing.....less so than when I had Maddie mainly because I'm better at it and can do it a lot more discreetly even while in public, but I always prefer to go to the car, or inside a dressing room, or better yet home! Anyway, I needed to do it then since it was getting late, so I hopped into the front seat and started to feed her. The parking spaces to the left and right of me were empty when I started. About 2 minutes into it, I heard a familiar sound......the music from an ice cream truck. Interesting. Then I saw the ice cream truck as it pulled into the parking space to my left. Seriously? Within a minute the ice cream truck was swarmed with kids and parents excited for ice cream......the window and the line were lined up exactly with my side of the car. Crap. So, after Charlotte popped off for the third time, completely exposing me, I decided to call it a day, end the nursing and try as discreetly as I could to get myself all buttoned up. I can not believe that the ice cream man chose the parking spot right next to my window. What are the chances? lol

tired of being

Sometimes I just get really tired of being. I can fill in the blank with a number of things.....I am tired of being tired, I am tired of staying at home, I am tired of living out in the country, I'm tired of tripping on things in my messy house. Sometimes I wish that I could just take off on my own and travel to a secluded beach with white sand and turquoise water and just lay there in silence with the sun baking me. Sometimes I wish that I could turn back the clock and be 6 again, running through the sprinklers in my parent's front yard....before I knew what it was like to have a job, or a car, or bills or responsibility.....when life was simple. When did life become so complicated? I guess that's just part of being an adult, being a parent. Some days I feel so overwhelmed with being a mother that I just wish that I wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls, LOVE them....so much I often feel like my heart is going to burst because it is so swollen with love, but sometimes I wish I had my freedom. I wish I could sit and read a book uninterrupted all day long, I wish I could shower whenever I felt like it, and hop in the car without my arms full of limbs and baby gear. I get so tired of living the same day over and over and over again. Some days I feel like if I have to give one more bath, or make one more meal, or wipe one more nose, or battle through one more naptime I will explode and little pieces of me will scatter all over Eastern North Carolina. I know this is totally selfish of me and some people are gasping at my confession, but thats the truth....at least on some days. Kids are so all consuming and being a mom is not a part time job, I don't get to clock out after my 8 hours are done, although sometimes I wish that I could.

Today is not one of those days, today I actually feel pretty good. Charlotte slept for 12 hours straight last night with the exception of having to put the paci in once and I got a pretty good nights sleep too. Naps today are another story, but no one has really gotten hurt yet, and there have been no tantrums and no random reasonless crying. Yesterday Dan took a half day and we went to a nearby state forest and went out to dinner which was a nice surprise and change of pace and tomorrow and Tuesday are his days off!! My house is however a disaster and I keep tripping and stubbing my baby toe on random junk all over the floor. Oh, and I have a ridiculously huge amount of laundry to do and have no desire what-so-ever to do it. We are going to visit the park this afternoon and then it will be dinner time and bath time and bedtime and then I will have about 2 hours to myself and then it will be my bedtime and then tomorrow we get to do it all over again! I do realize that the older they get the easier they get and the more you can do with them which breaks up the monotony, but then they start talking back and having an attitude and disliking their parents so it's a toss up really. Oh well. Back to the grindstone.....enjoy the rest of your weekend.

P.S. I apologize for the randomness and all over the place-ness of my blogs, but this is kinda how its going to be for a while anyway. I have a lot floating around in my head and it doesn't always come out of my fingertips in any kind of sensical way. But it does help to get it out, I always feel better after I've blogged.....so please bare with me. roar. (bare, bear, roar.....get it? I know....lame.) lol

Goodbye summer......& other thoughts

I've been waiting for fall since May. I despise North Carolina summers and I start feeling dread around April and start having visions of lovely fall weather around May. Summer always used to be my favorite season, it meant going to the beach and staying outside late, walking out of a movie theater in the evening and not needing a jacket. Summer in North Carolina means staying indoors a lot. It means humidity and 100 degree weather and sweat trickling down your back and pooling near your butt just from walking out to the car and back. North Carolina summers alone make me want to move up north to a state that is less icky during the summer even if it means 6 feet of snow in the winter.....although I'd probably hate that too! lol I guess I just miss Southern California weather. That's pretty much all I miss about California, that and the food and the beach, oh and all my family and friends......I guess I miss more than I thought I did. But there are some good things here, I like the space and the lack of buildings EVERYWHERE. I like seeing the farms and the crops rotate each season, and I like having lots of outside activities to do like hay rides and outdoor concerts and 4th of July parties with HUGE firework displays and our annual ham and yam festival (don't ask! lol) and huge Christmas light displays. I like the crisp air in fall and the vibrant colors of the leaves changing, the days when it snows, even though its usually just once a year and like 1/4 inch of snow, the tulips and daffodils that pop up randomly everywhere every spring. I like that there isn't really any traffic and almost any road you take is scenic. I like that we can travel to a number of different states in the matter of a few hours. I like the trees , the huge towering trees that cover this state. I like that the people here aren't fake, I mean there are exceptions, but generally there aren't breast implants and liposuction and ridiculously expensive designer clothes and Mercedes. There isn't a feeling of people trying to keep up with the Jones'.

Anyway....that was a bit of an unplanned tangent. I'm really glad that summer is finally over.....I've been impatiently awaiting its end. The last couple of days have been cool and in the 70s. Today it was rainy and delicious.....the perfect weather for napping and home made soup. Soon the leaves will start changing color and we will get our sweaters out from the back of our closets. I'm sure that I will have some colorful pictures to share with you. Until then enjoy some scenery pics from my too hot summer!

On a lighter note

My last blog was a little heavy, so I've decided to photo attack everyone! I have NO idea why my writing is underlined, but I have no idea how to turn it off. I'm not 100% sure if I really like blogger, but it seems to be what all the cool kids are using so I'm gonna try and tough it out. All of the pics below are raw except for 3 because I just haven't had time to play around with them but I find them enjoyable anyway. Naptimes are almost over and then we are headed out to the park. Hopefully Maddie won't get sick of the park because thats really the only free kid friendly place I can take them. But what kid gets sick of the park???

Oh, and on my quest for joy, I always find joy in photography and almost always find joy in my girls......well when they behave anyway!

Charlotte and Henry chillin'

My girls.....I'm starting to see more similarities!!

She likes her exersaucer

Not too sure about the swing, but the fresh air is nice

Such a sweet face

Her shirt says: Crabby but cute....I think it's appropriate!

She's a busy toy playing lady

Bathtime......sorry I had to post a decent shot......the totally neked ones were better, but uh, not decent for internet use! Chubby!!

Yes, she does laugh.....just not very often.

Fairy?

Princess

So excited to be at the park

Reading.....isn't this how you read?

She is a crazy girl who LOVES to draw on her face. Why????

A tree almost her size

The BIG slide!!

She can do the big kid swings!

Every once in a while I get a shot where she still has a baby face....those cheeks! muah!

Merry-go-round. She was all sad looking until it started moving and then she couldn't contain her smile!

Big merry-go-round smile!

Finding Joy

It's been a really really long time since I've posted on this blog. Most of the blame can go to blogger for not allowing me to upload pictures which pissed me off enough to stop posting, but I also just got tired of making duplicate posts (here and on myspace) I’m currently contemplating deleting my myspace account but until I make that decision I am going to start blogging here again and not blog there. Confusing?? Maybe.

It probably went without notice, but I also changed the title of this blog. Although I do feel as though I am living life on the edge.....of something....my current goal is to try and find joy in every day. Hard to imagine me having to try and find joy right? I have a fantastic husband, two beautiful girls that I get to stay home and raise, a nice little house, enough food to make me fat and happy etc. but I've been dealing with a little (lot?) post partum depression. I see all the wonderful things around me, but there are days that I feel worthless, like I'm not a good enough mother or wife. I feel like I am letting everyone around me down, and I feel alone and isolated. My mantra for most days is FIND JOY. I decided that instead of omitting these bad feelings from my blogging and pretending like everything is perfect (for everyone else and for myself) that I am going to talk about it. I'm tired of keeping these feelings to myself. Maybe sharing them will help others, maybe sharing them will help me, maybe sharing them will help others help me. Confusing? Probably.

Depression is a funny thing.....I know the negative feelings that I have about myself aren't true.....they just aren't, but that logic doesn't stop me from feeling them. I can make Maddie pancakes in the morning, play with playdough, read books, push her on the swing, finger-paint and cuddle with her and still feel like I am letting her down, like she deserves a better mother than me. I'm having a really hard time juggling two kids, it seems that no matter what I do, I'm letting one or both of them down because I can't give either of them my undivided attention......and don't get me started on the state of my house, or shall I call it clutter hell. There never seems to be enough time to get it picked up, and when it is clean, within minutes my 2 year old cyclone can destroy everything. I feel like I'm failing a being a homemaker because I can hardly get the laundry done let alone folded and most nights I can't even start dinner until after Dan gets home to help me watch the kids first. And my job as a wife? Well after Dan gets home from work, there is a mad dash to get the baby down, get dinner made and then eaten, give Maddie a bath and jammies and story time and then bed, dishes, pick up the house a little, maybe a shower for me if I haven't had one in a while, and then Dan starts his homework/studying. Some days it feels like we haven't really even talked.

I feel like I've lost myself. In 4 years I've moved across the country and left everyone I know and love, gotten married and had two kids. I live in the country (small farm town) which I hate and I haven't really made any friends. I know how to do my jobs (wife, mother, homemaker) but I often don't have the time to get them all done so I have to choose what is most important and live with only doing that.....which generally is the mother job......you know, the squeaky wheel and what not. But with all of these new roles that I've taken on I feel like I've become invisible, not because anyone else has made me feel that way, that’s just how things have turned out. I don't have time for myself, and somehow while ignoring my own needs I've gotten lost. Motherhood is pretty instinctual, but I need to figure out how to better accomplish my jobs as wife, and homemaker and I need to learn how to balance everything and still be me. I need to FIND JOY and get a hobby.....and maybe some friends.....which both require time, so really I need to FIND TIME!!!! lol

I keep looking forward to the future, which I guess is a good thing.....I haven't given up yet. Charlotte has been a really difficult baby pretty much since she was born. Things seem to be settling down a bit since I removed yogurt from my diet and honestly, she can't get any worse than she's been so it has to get better right? RIGHT???? I keep hoping that every week that goes by will bring us to a happier place. Maybe I should quit hoping and just live with what I've got, but I honestly find that it's the hope that keeps me going. Maddie is just Maddie.....an independent, inquisitive 2 year old that gets bored really easily and gets into trouble when we're housebound with a miserable Charlotte. I can't blame her for being bored and destructive, up until recently our lives revolved around Charlotte and her needs which meant that Maddie would have to learn to be patient and come second. This last week things have been a lot better. We got out of the house as a family and went to a really cool park in Raleigh that had a merry-go-round and a train and many playgrounds.....Maddie LOVED it. Since the baby has been better behaved, I've been taking them to the park in the afternoons. Dan has afforded me time out of the house alone to shop, and paint pottery and I've joined a gym......I haven't gone yet, but hey, joining is a start right? And I'm seeing a therapist. Gasp. I know, I'm seeing a professional to better my mental health....OMG. There is such a stigma with depression.....hopefully no one who reads my blog is going to be judgmental, but who knows. I'm trying to get out of this funk, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes....even see a shrink, even admit to the world through my blog that I am having problems.

I do love my life. I love my husband and I love my girls. I just need to figure out how to live my life. I need to FIND JOY.....will you join me on my journey?

Maddie's second year slide show

 I was just going through previous year slide shows for the girls and realized that a few of them were only posted on myspace.....you know, back when myspace was cool.  I wasn't really on this blog yet, but since I have all of the other slide shows here I thought I'd transfer them....just so they are all in one spot.

Happy belated birthday Maddie! :o)

..

 

September 2008

So Excited!!!

September 18, 2008

I am so super excited because I just bought tickets for Dan and I to go see Zac Brown Band next month!  They are so cool!  We haven't been out to see a band live in forever.....now all we need to do is find a babysitter.  SOO STOKED!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ed49S2nyBD0

• Ahhh

  Current mood:amused

  "I lu you blu-bre," she said to her blueberry yogut.
  
  Ahhhh A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E
  
  
  
  
  
• Sep 14, 2008

  Poop blog

  It has been 6 days since Charlotte has pooped and she is MISERABLE.  So are the rest of us as a matter of fact.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I've given her Karo syrup in 2 ounces of water, I've done leg exercises like she was riding a bike multiple times every day, I've massaged her abdomen, I've kept her upright with her legs bent as much as I can,  I've tried taking her temp rectally because I've heard that can stimulate her to go.  Nothing is working.  She has been really unhappy and in pain for the last couple days, she is not sleeping well during the day or at night and she has gas all day long, and it seems painful to her because she cries and thrashes around when she farts, and man do they STINK!  I've read and been told by her pedi that breastfed babies can go up to a week without pooping and they are totally fine, but is it really fine when they are in pain for most of that week?  I mean I'd have no problem if she only pooped once a week (less diaper changes for me) as long as she acted okay, and wasn't hurting because of it.  This isn't fair.....for anyone involved.  She needs to poop, and I don't know how thats gonna happen, everyday I've woken up thinking that today is the day she will poop, but thus far I've been wrong.  Tomorrow will be day 7 and I believe I'm supposed to take her to the doctor if she doesn't poop for 7 days.....or maybe that means I would take her on Tuesday??  I don't know, and I have no idea what the doctor would do to help the situation pass.....punn totally intended.  I'm going crazy and have never wanted to see poop so much in my life.  Please pray!!!!  LOL
  
  She looks all innocent, but picture her angry and crying and not pooping!!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Sep 12, 2008

  Another 365 days gone by

  Current mood:blessed

  Two years ago today, I was handed an 8 pound 7 ounce bundle of treasure whom we named Madeline.  I understood the hugeness of the responsibility I was given, but I had no way of knowing the joy that was going to engulf my life through this little girl.  Her smile shoots rays of sunshine through the cloudiest of days, her laugh pierces even the grumpiest of grumps.  She has a zest for life and looks at the world with completely innocent eyes.  Every night before I go to sleep, I thank the Lord for giving me Maddie, for she is everything I dreamt about, the very best of Dan and I.

  Two years ago Maddie was totally reliant on us for her every need, today she is such an independent girl.  She cleans up her toys, she can feed herself with both a spoon and a fork and she can brush her hair and her teeth.  Two years ago she would stay where I put her and would spend most of the time on her back, or tummy.  Today, she never stops moving and hardly ever stays in one spot for long.  She can run and jump and swing and stand on one foot.  Two years ago she could only communicate by crying, today she knows sign language and a vault of words.  She can count to 10 and string 3 or 4 words together to make sentences, "where are you," and most recently, "I lu you da-yee."(I love you daddy)

  Maddie has transformed from a tiny (that's relative I guess lol) baby into a tall, strong, beautiful, smart and joyful child.  She is loving and helpful and funny and a genuinely good girl.  I am blessed beyond belief to be able to call her daughter, I hope in the future I will call her friend, but greater than any other name I may give her, I call her beloved.

  Happy 2^nd birthday Madeline Rose!!!!

  
  ..
• Sep 4, 2008

  The first week

  Current mood:happy

  Maddie has finished her first week of preschool and she has totally loved it!  Although it does tire her out and I bring her home almost asleep....which works for getting her down for her nap an hour later than normal.  On Tuesday (the first day) the teacher said she did well except she didn't want to sit at lunch time and when her teacher corrected her, Maddie hit her teacher and was sent to the principals office for a time out! lol  Thats my girl.  But seriously, where did she learn to hit?  She doesn't do that at home and I've never seen her hit other kids.  Interesting.  On Wednesday she did really good except during lunch she cried for about 30 minutes......I think that she was just overly tired because she normally goes down for her nap between 12:00 and 12:30.  Preschool is also a HUGE adjustment for her.....not only is she learning new things (they are learning about the letter A and colors this week) but she is also being taught to stand and walk in a line out to the playground and lunch, to sit in a circle for story time, and having to follow rules that she may not have to deal with at home.  It's a BIG day for her.  Today I went to pick her up early because they have a window that parents can look through to see the kids, but the kids can't see through it, and I wanted to see what her class was like and she was behaving.  It was really cute....all the kids were sitting at the teachers feet and eating those little dum dum lollipops while the teacher was reading them a story and interacting with them.  All of the kids were sitting and behaving and it was fun to watch Maddie in that environment when she didn't know I was there.  She was more interested in her lollipop than what the teacher was talking about and kept trying to get the little girl next to her to smell it, but she was sitting and being quiet! lol 
  
  All in all a really good week.  I think that preschool is going to be fantastic for her!  We just need to adjust to the new schedule and tweak nap time and bedtime accordingly, but I think the transition has been very smooth so far.  Oh, and everyday when I drop her off, she walks into her class, hangs up her lunch bag and sit down at the table to color.....she doesn't even bat an eyelash at me saying goodbye and leaving her!  Such a big girl!
  
  
  
  
   
   
• Sep 1, 2008

  Domestic Godess

  Current mood:melancholy

  Maddie got a play kitchen set for her birthday (thanks grandma and grandpa) and Dan picked it up and set it up in our kitchen on Monday.  It is a really cool kitchen set and Maddie adores it.  Whenever she gets up in the morning or up from her nap she beelines it running towards her kitchen yelling Kich.  We had gotten her pretend food and dishes a month or so ago so she has been playing with that and knows what to do with it etc. and last week when we were at open house at her preschool they had this exact play kitchen and she had fun playing with it there.  I'm debating buying some more play food, but at the moment it is ALL over the house and I don't know if I want to add any more to the collection.  She has been doing weird/funny stuff with some of the new play food that came with the kitchen set though, yesterday when I took her dress off out fell a strawberry and a pat of fake butter!?!?!?  Don't ask me.
  
  Dan is currently going to pick up a step 2 playhouse that we are buying her for her birthday.  It's going to go outside on our deck and I think that she will really like it.  She likes the one in the church nursery.  I kinda feel bad because I have nothing planned for her birthday and it's in 12 days.  I mean the presents are all lined up, the playhouse, a magnetic doll set that you can dress up and some colorful lcaing beads, but I haven't even thought of a party.  And honestly I wouldn't even do anything except for the fact that we had a birthday party for her first birthday.....can you have one for the first and just not do anything for the second?  Seems sad to me.  But Dan is working the weekend of her actual birthday so we'll have to have it the weekend after which is the 20th and 21st which gives me an extra week to throw something together.  Maybe a few close friends, family if they can make it, some streamers and a cake!  Nice and mellow....thats my speed!  If anyone has birthday ideas that they would like to pass along to me, I would gladly accept them! lol  I still can't believe that she turns two in 12 days and that she starts preschool tomorrow.  I'm feeling kinda melancholy......but the pictures below cheer me up imensely.
  
  A true domestic godess!!!!!